Listening to reports of your child being made fun of, picked on, or quietly ignored, is difficult for even the most stoic of parents. Childhood friendships, though they may seem simple to adults, are as full of intrigue and drama as a daytime soap opera: one day the girl next door is your daughter’s best friend, while the next day she is her worst enemy.

Most parents, however, can console themselves with the knowledge that those bumps are only temporary.

However, if your child has trouble making and keeping friends, watching your child navigate the waters at the playground or local schoolyard can be devastating. You want your child to be successful and to be happy, and you’d do anything to help them. But making and keeping friends is something that unfortunately, you have very little control of.

Or do you?

Children with LD tend to be unaware of how their actions affect others.

Joining in a group of other children is something that occurs dozens of times a day. Waiting at the bus stop for the school bus, walking through the schoolyard on the way into school, joining a game during recess – these are all common pitfalls that many children face, and fail.

Many children with language development weaknesses or ADHD tend to barge into group, without taking note of what effect their arrival has on the group. In addition, they tend to respond to anxiety and fear with a need to control the situation. So they might try and control the situation by introducing a new topic suddenly, not letting others have their say, or talking about subjects that are uninteresting for the rest of the group.

Teach your child how to join a group of children successfully.

You can help your child make a tremendous leap in her social skills simply by teaching her to “stop and look” before she enters a group. Explain to her that before she joins a group of children, she should stop and look to see what they’re doing. Do they look like they wouldn’t mind if someone else joined their group? Or do they look like they want privacy?

Teach her how to recognize the nonverbal body language that shows whether or not they’d be welcome. Then practice with her at home, using role-playing to help her get the idea of things. You can also decide together on a special word or signal that you can give her that will let her know when she needs to step back and take a better look at things.

Learn from the popular kids.

Studies show that the most popular children join a group unobtrusively, then look to see how they can help. If children are at the beach busy building a monster sand castle, they’ll be the ones offering to bring more water – usually a job no one wants to do, but a necessary one.

Asking if they can help, and giving a suggestion as to what they’d be willing to do, are both subtle, but very powerful ways of being socially successful. Asking to help before you barge in shows that you recognize they are in charge, and states that you’re not interested in grabbing power for yourself.

Offering a specific type of help, especially one that no one really wants, demonstrates that you’re truly willing to help out the group for the sake of the group itself, and not because you want all the glory.

Have your child practice being a “helper.”

Next time you go to the park or other public place with your child, have your child sit with you and look at the various groups around them. Help her examine the nonverbal cues of each group, and ask her to guess whether or not the group would mind if someone joins them.

Next, encourage her to describe to you what they’re doing, and give an example of how they could be a helper.

If your child has siblings, you can practice this skill at home with her sisters and brothers. If not, then perhaps you can make a playdate with the children of a good friend or family member. If you can, try letting your child practice these skills with children who are a year or two younger.

These three skills are part of the foundation of building friendships. Practicing them regularly with your child will give them a much better chance at making and keeping friends.

 

 

Originally posted 2011-07-28 18:53:46.

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So you’ve managed to improve your child’s expressive language skills. They can converse with people outside of your family.

They understand that conversation is a back and forth process, with one person asking, while the other answers.

And yet, you find that your child’s speech is curiously flat. After careful consideration, you realize that they still don’t ask “why.” If you have other children, you can’t but help but be struck by the difference: on the one hand, a child as young as two will ask over and over again, “Why Mommy?” On the other hand, your language-delayed child seems to be content with things as they are.

You know she’s intelligent, so what gives?

The answer lies in your child’s inability to understand.

Understanding something is not an either/or situation.

Most of us think of understanding as either/or: either you understand something, or you don’t. In reality, being able to understand something is much more complex than that. Understanding is something that takes place on different levels, over a period of time. It changes constantly as we use what we already know about something in order to interpret and gain insights about something new.

Furthermore, your child’s ability to understand depends on what kind of material they’re being asked to understand (visual, auditory, etc.) how much they need to understand at once, and whether children are capable of self-evaluating their understanding.

Here are some common reasons that affect your child’s ability to understand:

Weak language development

Even though your child might seem to be better at speaking, there are numerous levels of language that your child needs to be good at in order to communicate effectively.

Many children’s language development looks a lot like a mine field in a third world country: some safe areas, with lots of areas that are may or may not be okay. For example, your child might seem fine in everyday conversation, but his knowledge of words and their meanings could hamper how much he understands things at home and at school.

Another child might seem fine at home in all areas, but the special vocabulary that school requires might not be in his repertoire.

Your child needs to be proficient in language at the word, sentence, and paragraph level. They also need to have the ability to reflect on how language works, and be able to apply language in social situations.

Incomplete concept formation

A concept is basically a bunch of specific ideas that can be grouped together to form a general idea. For example, if I want to understand what a car is, I would have to take into account the specific features that make a car what it is – and not a helicopter, raft, or ice floe. Here’s an example of the beginnings of a concept map for a car:



Now of course there’s a lot more you could add to this concept map (and not being a car fanatic I’m sure you could correct me on a few points :), but you get the idea.

Being able to hold in mind a concept leaves you free to consider the bigger picture, instead of holding on to thousands of details. Some children, however, have trouble seeing the big picture, even though they have all the details. They can’t intuit a concept from the bits and pieces that they have.

Slow data processing

Ever tried to work on a computer that was functioning slowly for some reason? It may have been a good computer- even a newer model – but for reasons unknown seemed to take forever to process the most basic of things.

Some children, though intelligent, are a little like that. They need more time than most people, whether at home or at school, realize. Perhaps they think things through more thoroughly, or on a deeper level. Regardless of the reason, they’ll get there if you’ll just give them the time to get there.

Unfortunately, with our fast-paced life, these children don’t often get the time they need in order to get to the finish line. They may appear bewildered and confused: they were still processing the first half of what you (or the teacher) said, but you’ve already sped along to the conclusion.

Small chunk size capacity

Some children can only process a certain amount of material at a time. While their friends and classmates are busy swallowing whole bucket loads of information, they’re daintily nibbling on a bowlful. As time goes on, children are expected to handle larger and larger amounts of information at a time, these children often fall behind.

Too creative, or too intent on playing by the rules

Being creative can be a boon in a lot of ways. Interpreting a picture, giving your opinion about why a character acted as they did, or composing a dramatic first-person story are all examples where creativity is especially valued.

Sometimes, however, children are expected to stick “to the facts, and nothing but the facts.” A child who is too much of a “top-down processor,” or who interprets information largely upon how they think or feel, might have trouble knowing when to elaborate, and when to play by the rules.

The opposite can also occur: children who are so black and white, so intent on staying between the lines, that they fail when they need to give their own original input. These children are called “bottom- down processors.” They do great on math tests, fill in the blank, or other clear cut situations, but fail miserably in situations that aren’t clear cut, require brainstorming, essays, or original stories.

These are just some of the reasons why your child has trouble asking why questions. I’ll admit, it’s a little complicated. But before you start hopping off to spend a lot of money on social stories books, reading comprehension series, or other materials, you need to pinpoint why your child is having the trouble they’re having.

It’s a lot like taking an aspirin for a severe stomach ache: it might be indigestion, and it might not be. Wouldn’t you rather get to the bottom of things before you go under the knife?

 

Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear from you – share your thoughts below!

 

Originally posted 2011-10-02 21:24:08.

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scream and shout, a photo by mdanys on Flickr.

It’s happened again.

Your third-grader was sent out of class again for shoving a classmate in the hallway. Frustrated, discouraged, you wonder what set him off this time. Was he tired? Did he get a bad grade on a test? Whatever the reason, you’re at a loss of what to do: how can you help your child learn how to control himself?

1) Keep an eye on the intake/outtake pipes.

I was often bewildered when out of the blue, one of my children would suddenly go ballistic for no obvious reason. Eventually I figured out that he hadn’t eaten; once he ate, he was transfigured back to hi s regular persona.

If you notice your child turning aggressive with no noticeable pattern, consider insisting he eat a protein snack, such as cheese, peanut butter, or natural beef jerky. Bananas, which are full of potassium, are also a quick picker-upper.

A friend of mine noticed her child often acts out when he needs to use the bathroom. For some reason, the sensory stimulation is too much for him.

2) Consider whether your child is in sensory overload.

Children with sensory issues can appear persnickety. One morning they can handle seeing tomatoes on a sibling’s plate, while the next they can smell them in the closed refrigerator. It’s not done purposely, although it may seem like it. Picture your child’s sensory system as a plastic 8 oz. cup. Loud alarm clock (2 oz.) + strong shampoo smell (1 oz) + getting your hair brushed (4 oz.) =OVERLOAD.

Some days this happens sooner, and some days it might not happen at all, depending what your child’s triggers are. While some children turn inwards when this happens, others explode in a cascading ball of rage and frustration.

Teach your child to be more aware of his sensory triggers, and encourage him to engage in soothing activities that will help him empty his “cup,” and you’ll uncover a more peaceful child.

3) Teach your child to express himself.

No, I don’t mean your child should take up mixed martial arts or explore the fine art of hang gliding – though that may be interesting. Instead, consider the fact that because children with language development issues have trouble expressing their feelings, needs, and wants, they are often trapped by unpleasant feelings and thoughts tumbling around in their heads.

Talking about how he feels may be a task beyond your child for the moment, but you can help him loosen the release valve by joining in while he plays. Letting him take the lead helps give him a sense of control, while pretend play is a safe way for him to experiment with his desire for control, or need to be dependent.

4) Don’t forget to spend more time with your child.

When your child acts up, it’s a natural response to be so angry at your child that you can’t even look him in the face for a while. While it’s understandable to you however, it will definitely sour your relationship with your child.

Tightening the valves on one aspect of your child’s behavior means you need to find a way to loosen them somewhere else. Be sure to spend more time doing something enjoyable with your child. Whether it’s reading an extra chapter of a favorite book at bedtime, or sharing a cuddle in the early morning, it’s important to spend time accentuating the positives.

Originally posted 2011-06-15 22:44:53.

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It can be pretty frustrated trying to get a clear picture of what’s wrong with your child. Even after you get a diagnosis, you may still be confused about exactly how to help your child. Unfortunately, I find that many professionals focus on your child’s diagnosis, rather than the whole child.

Not only is this annoying, but it’s harmful too, since sometimes people get stuck on how most kids with your child’s diagnosis are supposed to act. I’ve even heard some people say things like “but do you think kids with (fill in the blank) can really do that?” Uggh!

I prefer to look instead at the individual child: what are this child’s strengths and weaknesses? I usually spend about an hour observing the child, across a variety of situations: in a group, during a structured period (arts and crafts time, for example), and unstructured time (free play inside and outside).

Some of the things I watch out for are how they react to stress, to disappointment, and how they interact with other children and the adults around them. I also look to see if they seem generally happy and confident, or if they seem discouraged, and don’t seem to persist when they want to get something. After the observation I do a more formalized assessment of them that takes about a half of an hour.

As a parent, you already know more about your child than anyone else. You possess an intimate knowledge of your child across time and a variety of situations. That’s why I’ve provided a detailed assessment for you to use in order to get a picture of your child’s level of development.

While an assessment is not an evaluation, it is a good tool for flagging potential problem areas, and for getting a clearer picture of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. I especially like this one because it’s a developmental checklist-which means that you can use the information and build a detailed learning program for your child.

There are already numerous hands-on learning games on this site that will help you do that, but I’ll be adding more as time goes on, as well as structuring the material so that you’ll know which games to work on first.

I recommend filling out this assessment together with another family member who knows your child well. You can also give a copy to your child’s teacher or caregiver. Also, don’t feel as if you need to fill it all out at once: some parents prefer to look at the questionnaire, choose a few questions, observe their child, and then move on to the next few question.

Language Developmental Checklist

Leave me a question below in the comments section if you have any questions about how to do this, or about the results of the assessment.

Originally posted 2011-03-30 20:56:14.

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Parenting middle school children is kind of like a close encounter with an alien species: suddenly the child who was calm, collected, and fairly responsive to parental intervention is an expert on imitating The Blob at one moment, and a raging tiger the next.

Of course, as parents we know to expect this, but somehow I think most of us get caught out in the rain on this one. Wishful thinking? Perhaps.

It’s not that we don’t want our children to grow up to be happy, successful adults who can handle pretty much whatever the world throws at them – it’s more like we’re hoping we can skip the vegetables and cut right to the dessert.

For those of you who insist on eating your green beans before the chocolate mousse pie, here are some tips that will help you understand why that hulking stranger in your child’s bedroom sometimes acts like they do:

1) Sleep deprivation

Teenagers are fantastic at the great denial: the insistence that they are not tired, and have too much to do anyway to possibly even consider sleeping.

The fact is, however, that your teenager is growing at a rapid rate. Both boys and girls can add an extra 8-9 cm a year to their height. Toss in added muscle mass, bone density, and the general increase in hormones and you’ve got one heck of a stone soup.

All of that growing means that teenagers need a lot of sleep- at least 9.5 hours a night. Since studies show that the average teen gets only about 7.4 hours of sleep a night, you can probably guess the result: a cranky, grumpy teen who acts a lot like they did when they were three and needed a good nap before they were human again.

If you do the math, you can easily see that a teen who gets up at 6:00 am for school would need to be in bed by 9:00 pm in order to get the right amount of sleep. Unfortunately, studies show that many teens aren’t able to fall asleep that early, because their brains aren’t ready for bed.

You can help your teen get the sleep they need by encouraging a regular bedtime (the body can’t easily make up missed sleep), encouraging your teen to participate in some form of exercise during the day, and eliminating caffeine.

2) Hunger

As a parent of a teenager you may have noticed the rapid disappearance of foodstuffs in your house, and so hunger would usually not be on your shortlist of why teens can get out of control.

Unfortunately for your food budget, growing teens really do need a lot of extra energy. Plus, it’s quite common for teens to fill up on junk or fast food, depriving their bodies of the protein they need for long-lasting energy.

You can help your teen by providing low-fat, high-energy protein snacks, such as peanut butter, beef jerky, cottage cheese and fruit, tuna, protein bars, and believe it or not – oatmeal.

3)Time with you

It may seem hard to imagine, but your teenager really does want to spend time with you. Most teens do want a relationship with their parents; they’re a lot like toddlers, who want to be independent while reserving the right to monopolize your attention.

If you take a look at your teen’s day and see that most of your interactions were on the order of “are you ever going to take out the garbage” or “turn down that music-not all of us want to go deaf,” then you might want to consider taking some time off to spend some quality time with your teen.

Sometimes teens are wary about spending time with their parents because they imagine it’s merely a cover for “the big talk.” So you don’t have to plan a night out on the town, if that will raise your teen’s hackles. Instead, make an extra effort to be fully “there” when your teen comes home, or sits down with you at the table.

It’s easy to be so focused on socializing online that we forget the people in front of us.

Instead, put away the ipod, the Blackberry. Shut off the TV, and send your PC to sleep. Try something novel and old-fashioned instead: Talk to your children. You might be surprised at what they have to say.

Originally posted 2011-02-14 02:08:36.

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1. Get your child back on a normal schedule about a week before school starts. It’s natural to let things slide a bit during vacation-heck, that’s part of the fun. But if you want your child to be functional during the first few days back, then you’ll need to make sure that they go to sleep on time, and wake up on time.

In order to do this as painlessly as possible, try pushing back your child’s bedtime to about 15 minutes earlier, every evening for one week. By the second day you can also start pushing back morning wake-ups by about the same amount of time. Your child will be more rested and you will feel less stressed, (hopefully) not having to wake up exhausted kids.

2. Buy everything they need BEFORE school starts. Okay, this one seems obvious, but how many of you have pushed off getting an item from the school supply list, either because didn’t have time to buy it, thought it wasn’t so important, or had no clue what the teacher really wanted?

Not only is this stressful to children, but unfortunately some teachers get really annoyed at your child because they are not prepared. Do yourself and your child, do whatever it takes, but get everything your child needs, and put it away until school starts. Your child and his teacher will thank you for it.

3. Talk to your child about what the new year will be like. Every child has concerns and fears about what the new year will bring. Sometimes children might not speak directly about how they are feeling, but you might notice your child becomes more hyper, moody, or quiet as the first school day approaches.

Try and find a peaceful venue alone with your child, and try and bring up the subject.Your child may or may not admit to having worries. That’s okay; you can still make this a “bonding moment” by sharing some of your best or worst first day of school experiences.

4. Talk to your child about what your expectations are for the year. You probably remember getting this talk from your parents – uggh! But there are ways to present this that are positive, hopeful, and not preachy.

Why not focus first on specific goals that you know your child wants to work on? For example, if this is the year your daughter gets to try out for the soccer team, you can show your support and interest in this new step. At the same time, you can bring up your expectation that she maintain good grades, and continue to help out at home.

5. Send something small but special with them for the first day. In this case, smaller is better. A short note on a napkin in his lunchbox, a cute drawing on a stick-um on the first page of one of her notebooks; these are easy to do, and a prime example of actions speaking louder than words.

Originally posted 2010-08-12 02:50:26.

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So you’re feeling like the loser of the century because you forgot to do your child’s therapy exercises – again. Or maybe your child had a bunch of homework you just knew she needed to do NOW, and you told your kid to tell the teacher your mother lost the assignment sheet. And those sensory diet exercises? Yeah, I guess I’ll get to that- tomorrow. I hope.

We all face moments – dare I say days? – when we know we should be doing more for our kids but just can’t seem to get our heads or our hands around it. Somehow the job seems overwhelming when put next to the all the other demands a mother faces.

It’s easy to get so backed up that you can’t even look the job in the eyes again without feeling like a complete screw- up. Ashamed of ourselves, and carrying enough guilt to feed a third world country, we drop the task with the excuse that it can’t be done.

Take a look at the video I posted yesterday. Then read these tips that will help you ditch the loser tag and rock your child’s world.

1)  Just try it. How many times have your kids moaned they couldn’t accomplish some minor (or major) feat? What did you tell them? Yeah, that’s right – classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.

It’s easy to let the desire for everything to be perfect stop you: you want to have the right time, the right place, the right materials, etc. But let’s face it, you’ll probably never have the right combination of perfect all at once. Instead of obsessing, make some effort to get the job done. It doesn’t matter if you it’s only a token effort – some attempt is definitely better than none at all.

There, you see? Nobody popped out of the closet and arrested you for impersonating a responsible parent now did they?

2) Bigger is NOT better. A lot of us tend to look at the whole enchilada. Who wouldn’t be depressed? I bet if most first graders realized they had 11 more years (at least) of sucking up to the teacher there would be a lot more tears on the first day of school.

But kids take things one day at a time – and so should you. Stop obsessing about whether or not your child will be President of the United States. Start thinking about what you can do tomorrow that will help your child do better than he did yesterday.

3) Take it where you can get it. Help, I mean. Most moms have gotten over the supermom syndrome. I mean, if you live any sort of life at all with a child who has any issues at all, you get over that nonsense real fast.

But what does happen is that we know need more help, but it’s just too much of a pain in the neck to get the ball rolling. We can’t face the thought of trying to rally up more help – more stuff to do – so we just do it ourselves.

That’s a HUGE mistake. Now, not only does everyone assume you don’t need any help, they figure you like doing it all by yourself.

Of course that’s not true, and you’d figure that any sane person would know otherwise, but alas, these are the facts of life. If you want people to help you, you’ve got to let them.

Sure it may take some time until they figure out the ropes, but in the end it’s worth it. Make a list of five things you need help with, and figure out who you can delegate that job to. Then do it!

Originally posted 2011-05-22 21:58:17.

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This hands-on learning game is great for improving your child’s vocabulary. A game that is easy to make and fun to play, both gifted children and children who have speech delays will benefit from playing.

Parents whose children suffer from language delays can use this game to help build up their child’s everyday vocabulary, or to teach new concepts.

Often children who have language delays have trouble learning and recalling the names of common objects. This results from a weak auditory memory. They may also speak in very simple sentences, and struggle in general to express themselves.

On the other hand, many children with language delays are great spatially, and have good visual memories. They are often able to find their way around easily, are good at finding lost items. They may also be talented in fields like dance, sports, or building things.

Because this game uses your child’s strong visual memory to help bolster his weak auditory skills, your child will actually acquire and retain what he learns. Seeing the actual object is a strong reinforcer for him, especially if it is something found in his house.

Parents of gifted children will also find this game useful. You can use this game as a springboard for new concepts. If your gifted child is still too young to read, you can use the cards and pictures to teach her the names of various things, such as the parts of a flower, the names of common trees, or unusual parts of the body.

If your child can already read, she can use the game alone as an introduction to material she will read later on.

Materials:

Index cards with box

How to Make the Game:

If you’d like to teach common household objects, make a card for each object you’d like to teach. All words should be items that you actually have in the house. You can use also use this game to teach transportation, wild animals, parts of the body, names of different types of trees, or practically anything else. For less common items, you can use miniatures, or pictures of the actual object pasted onto an index card.

1) Choose your items. Make a list of about ten items. Write clearly in print the name of the object; the word should be at least 1 1/2 inches long. It’s probably easier and quicker to type it, and print it out on cardstock.

2)Read a card out loud. Choose one card, and read it aloud to your child. Then ask your child to find the object. If the child has difficulty, show them where the object is, and have them place the card next to or on top of the item.

3)Play with no more than 10-15 cards at a time. No more than 20% of the cards you use should be new to your child. If these are all new vocabulary, then start with 5 cards, adding more only when your child knows nearly all of them.

Tip: You can also learn actions this way; read the card out loud, and show the child the action that goes with it. Don’t limit yourself to walk, run, and skip. Try out dribble, slouch, or saunter for a change. If you show your child what you mean, these words need not be harder than any other.

Originally posted 2010-09-13 00:44:47.

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It’s almost the end of the school year, and you’re faced with a dilemma. should you retain a child

Your child didn’t do so great this year – in fact, his grades put him towards the lower end of the class. And that was with after-school tutors and in class help.

But somehow you and he made it through the end of the year. In fact, when you look back at the year you can see that your child even made a bit of progress.

(Okay, not enough – but you can see the difference).

You’re happy the year is finally over and you’re hoping that next year will be better somehow. Maybe he’ll have a growth spurt, and finally “get it” like the neighbor’s kid did. Or maybe the teacher will be less demanding.

So things are actually looking pretty good…until you get that call from the teacher. The one asking you if would think about letting said progeny repeat the year again.

[click to continue…]

Originally posted 2012-05-24 15:41:42.

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Today’s child is a virtual reality child.

Instead of being allowed to climb trees in order to see the sky, we cut down low-hanging branches lest a one fall and hit someone in the head. A private school child may dine on delicacies such as squash fries, yet be banned from cooking in his kitchen on the chance that he hurt himself.

On the other hand, the same child is allowed to dine on a diet of violent or explicit movies, listen to music whose lyrics would make their grandmother swoon, and dresses in clothing designed for a sex-crazed thirty year old.

Such helicopter parenting is becoming the norm, rather than the exception. This is an age where conscientious parents work hard to make sure their child feels great about everything they do – regardless of whether they deserve it or not.

But is this really best for children? Do children actually benefit from a no-fail, no bad-experiences environment?

The answer is no. Extensive research shows that children who are fed a “feel-good” diet, are actually more likely to experience depression, and feelings of helplessness. Instead of being taught that negative feelings like anger, anxiety, and frustration are an indication that change is necessary, they are told that it’s unacceptable to experience “bad” feelings.

It’s no wonder depression medications are the number one prescribed drug in the U.S.

In order to truly feel good about yourself, you need to do good. You must experience a sense of mastery. You need to experience the frustration, the boredom, and the acute distress of trying to make “it” happen, before you can feel good about yourself. No one appreciates success without the heady feeling of having stretched yourself to the limit, and despite the odds, reached success.

That would be a little like swallowing Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Remedy– smells good, tastes great- but made of nothing more than water and alcohol (and a little cocaine or heroin if you got lucky).

Raising children who feel good about themselves is closely tied to being optimistic. Here are 3 tips you can use to help you raise optimistic children:

1) Help your child view setbacks as temporary. Children who are optimistic view setbacks as temporary. When they fail a test, for example, they tell themselves that they’ll do better next time.  When your child experiences an unpleasant event, whether it’s a failed test or a friend who rejects them, first empathize with their feelings.

When your child is less upset about the incident, help your child reframe the incident. Instead of telling your child it won’t happen again (which may seem false), use questions to guide your child to understanding how this specific situation is only temporary. Don’t spend a lot of time trying to convince them: you are merely planting a seed for the future.

2) Give credit where credit is due. Children who are pessimistic look at failure as being their fault (“I failed the test because I’m dumb”), and view success as a fluke, unrelated to their own efforts (“I did well on the test because it was an easy test”). This encourages a phenomenon called “learned helplessness,” where the child feels there’s nothing he can do to better his situation.

Optimistic children, on the other hand, see things completely the opposite: failures are a fluke (“I wasn’t feeling well that day”), while success is due to their own efforts (“ I really studied hard”). As a result they are more resilient when failure occurs, and more likely to see themselves as successful, competent people.

Monitor how you react to failure. Do you accuse your child of not trying hard enough, or of not being smart enough? Those are global assumptions that encourage pessimism. Instead, when your child fails, view his failure as a step towards success. When your child breaks a plate while washing dishes, suggest calmly. “Hmm, ceramic plates are pretty slippery when they’re wet.” He’ll understand on his own that he needs to be careful next time, instead of viewing himself as a clumsy loser.

Your child will learn to view failure as an opportunity to learn how to be successful.

3) Keep things in perspective. Help your child understand that not everything they do will affect them for the rest of their lives. Teenagers especially tend to overgeneralize, assuming, for example, that a bad grade on one test will doom their college prospects forever.

Instead, wait until your child is less emotional, and then gently remind them of a time when they despite their failure, they lived to see another day.

Optimism is a learned behavior. However, it will take time for your child or teenager to change their mindset, so consider it like the drip method of watering trees: it takes time, but it eventually does the job.

Originally posted 2011-05-15 08:30:35.

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