3 Reasons Why You Should Say No to Therapy

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So. You’re raising a child as best as you can.

One with “issues” as they say.

Raising said child takes up a substantial amount of your time. Between the speech therapy and the play therapy, the sensory diet and the occupational therapy, it’s amazing you and your best beloved even know what the other looks like.

Now let’s imagine that even though you always keep one eye out on the horizon for the one thing that could finally be It – someone, somewhere, somehow, still finds it their duty to tell you how you should be running your child’s life.

And not just one someone – a whole truckload of someones.

Wherever you go, whether it’s the teenage bagger at the grocery store, a “concerned” mom at the local playground, a friend, neighbor, brother, sister, uncle, or goodness knows who else, everyone seems to want to tell you exactly what to do.

Actually, there are a lot of things you have to do. Bathing is one thing. Wiping after you go to the bathroom is another. And there are definitely things you have to do if you want have a particular outcome. Like, it’s a good idea to pay your electric bill on time if you like seeing when it’s dark outside.

You can’t do everything. You can’t even do half of everything.

You know it’s a recipe for failure, but can’t seem to stop yourself.

Here’s why.

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Why Raising Kids Is Like Polishing Diamonds

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Sometimes raising kids is like riding the electric walkways you find at the airport.

You kind of lean over a bit, relax a bit as it takes you where you want to go. Then you spy that little thruway thing, and brace yourself for a brief trip in no-man’s land schlepping all of your stuff.

It doesn’t really matter how old your kids are. It doesn’t matter if you’re a single parent, a grandmother raising her grandchildren, or a two-parent family. It doesn’t even really matter if your kid (or kids) is an angel or a devil on training wheels. A problem comes up, you agonize, philosophize, poll the various parties about what to do.

Then you embark on a lengthy or not-so-lengthy “solution” to the problem. Things settle down a bit. You pat yourself on the back, enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit, and then BOOM! Kid #2 starts acting up.

I think they’ve got some sort of lottery system going.

In the beginning you don’t realize it. You come home from the hospital full of smiles, high hopes, and a bunch of unrealistic expectations. But after a while they start to grow up, and that sweet little spinach-covered regurgitation machine turns into this THING.

The first time they look at you and start singing to a different tune, it’s really cute. Maybe you even take a picture. After a while, it’s not so cute anymore, and then you realize that it’s not as cute as you thought. By the time you realize that this is it, they’re going to keep doing this for their whole bleeping life, it’s too late. You can’t go back to the hospital and insist that this can’t possibly be your child, and that somehow they must have switched babies.

Seasoned parents disagree on which is worse: dealing with the same problem over and over again (what is this, the Twilight Zone? I thought we dealt with this already) or enjoying the thrill of a brand new problem each time.

And know that the solution that worked today isn’t guaranteed to work tomorrow.

But there is one thing that I can guarantee you, and it’s this: IT’S NOT GOING TO END ANYTIME SOON. And the reason is this: your child is not a finished product. And he or she won’t be a finished product until they come to you with their own children.

Maybe not even then.

It could drive a person to start longing for the good old days of orphan trains and Oliver Twist orphanages…unless you realize that kids are really like unpolished diamonds, and you are the diamond polisher.

Keep up the work, and someday you’ll look at your child and say-hey, I didn’t do such a bad job after all.

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The Myth of Giving Your Child Choices

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Ever find yourself giving your child play by play instructions on doing something that should be as simple and easy as eating apple pie? 

You know what I mean – things that you’re sure your child knows how to do on their own, yet when it comes down to it, suddenly you find yourself having to tell them exactly what to do – otherwise they melt into a little pile of water just like the Wicked Witch of the West?

I found myself in this position the other day, when my seven and a half year old was in the shower. She’d already bathed and shampooed her hair, and was asking what she should do now.

Of course, this was after I’d gotten a blow-by-blow description of which body part she was washing, and how much the soap had lathered up, and…

Well. I’m sure you get the idea.

So when it came down to the last request, I must admit, I was feeling rushed, and a teensy bit annoyed. I mean, wasn’t it obvious what you should do? Did I really have to tell her? Couldn’t she figure it out on her own? Like, after you finish washing off everything there is to wash off, you just get out of the bath.

It doesn’t seem like rocket science. I mean, she’s only been taking a bath on her own for the last year and a half. I knew she was physically capable of everything she needed to be a successful bather.

Blame it on my own mule-headedness, blame it on scientific curiosity, but I refused to tell her what to do. I figured, how long would she stay there until she finally gave up and came out? She couldn’t stay in there forever, right? 8 people, one bathtub -you do the math.

Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Little Miss refused – or was completely unable, I haven’t figured out which- to get out until I walked her through the whole decision making process:

Me: What do you do when you finish washing off all of your body?

Little Miss: I don’t know! Tell me!!!

Me: Do you stay in the bathtub until it’s time for school the next day? Do you sleep there? Should I bring you a pillow? (hoping humor would work – I wasn’t feeling very humorous at all)

Little Miss: (Meltdown. Doesn’t bear repeating).

So I did some thinking about choices, and what it means to be independent, and came to this conclusion: it doesn’t matter one hoot if you give your child choices as long as those choices have no real consequences.

Typical parenting advice tells you “give your child lots of choices. Let them, for example, choose between two outifts and pick out what the want to wear the next day.”

The problem with that is it’s pretty much a non-choice. What difference does it make if they wear the red or the blue shirt? The blue jeans or the corduroy? The only time it really matters is if in a fit of pique your preschooler decides to wear pajamas to school.

Anyway, no mom in her right mind is going to let her child wear pajamas to school. In my house, that’s a threat: “If you don’t get dressed this minute you will go to school in your pajamas.” So it’s not like you could just let them experience the natural consequences of their choices. What would the teacher say?

I think for a lot of kids, making choices isn’t always about knowing what to do, it’s about having the courage to make the right choice – despite the consequences. And that goes right back to what I’ve been talking about lately: making sure your child understands that it’s okay to fail.

Because if we want our child to be successful, to make the choices that will help them be successful, they’ve got to be willing to take that flying leap into nothingness. Sure, you can flinch a little – we all do – but that’s just part of the process of doing what you need to do so you can get to the finish line.

Well, we’re not at the finish line yet, my daughter and I. But we’re on our way, somehow or another.

 

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Why Screwing Up Is Good for Your Kids

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Sometimes you get to the point where you are sick and tired of rescuing your kid from disaster. children's success

It’s not like you don’t care. You do. But eventually you start to wonder if maybe your son isn’t doomed for life if you don’t stay up until 2 am to finish that (very, very overdue) science paper.

Or maybe, just maybe, your 13 year old daughter won’t melt into a puddle of steaming goo if you let her take the bus after she refuses to get out of bed on time – for the third time this week.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of your brain (the one that used to function a lot faster way back when) you know it’s not the greatest way to teach your kids responsibility, independence, or any of those other high-falutin’ ideas you used to trumpet when the kids were still cute little balls of fat that spit up on you occasionally.

But somehow watching your kids fail feels like getting a test back full of red x’s.

Wonder why? Read on.  [click to continue…]

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3 Tips On How to Start the School Year Off On the Right Foot

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School is right around the corner, and if you’re like most parents, you probably can’t wait until everyone is back at their desks, and gainfully occupied somewhere other than the living room. First day of school

But before you embrace a little freedom, it’s worth it to start thinking of a few simple things you can do to help your kids start things off on the right foot.

Starting school again is a big transition: a new teacher, new classroom, and new expectations.

And like all transitions, your child will make the leap from carefree hobo to earnest student a bit easier if you take the time to prepare the way:

Get Back Into the Flow of Things

You don’t have to start the first day of school with tired, cranky kids rushing around to get their things together at the last minute. Avoid the arguments and the wear and tear by reading this post on how to get your child ready for school painlessly.

Organize Beforehand

Is your child always digging around trying to find their homework notebook, or a special assignment? This post on helping your child organize their school stuff has plenty of practical advice on helping your child organize their notebooks, use a homework planner, and more.

What NOT to Tell Your Child’s Teacher On the First Day of School

Your child takes Ritalin…is a homebody…is a creative soul at heart…

It’s not uncommon for parents to feel a need to share information they feel is critical to their child’s success in school. Read this article to find out exactly what you absolutely shouldn’t share with your child’s teacher on the first day of school… or else.

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How to Make Sure You Don’t Have a Summer from Hell

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You and your child have been looking forward to summer break for months.  how to prevent summer learning loss

You’ve got everything planned out: the places you’ll visit, the family you’ll catch up with. And although it’s a pain to organize everything, you’re looking forward to a little bit of down time with your family.

The problem is, you remember how last summer ended: frustration, tears, and an intense desire to get out of the hell of summer vacation and get the kids back into school.

Just what exactly happened here?

You have no idea how a pleasant summer break turned into Nightmare on Elm Street (okay, I’m dating myself here).

Why summer can end up being one long water slide to Hell.

Sure, in the beginning it looked like things were finally going to be different this year.

You and the kids scoured the internet for interesting, educational, and relatively inexpensive places to visit. You even lined up a few playdates with friends, and invested in some new toys in the hopes of keeping everyone gainfully occupied.

But unless you implement a few critical things, you’re still going to wish you could take a semi-permanent vacation far away from the beings who call themselves your children.

Out-of-whack schedules.

While the thought of not having to wake up unwilling kids early might warm the cockles of your heart, letting your kids sleep in every day is actually a bad idea.

Not only does it mess up your child’s sleep/wake cycle – they’ll have to go to bed eventually-but it sets a bad precedent for the day.

On days when you actually do have something important to do, you’ll find yourself on top of kids who can’t seem to get their acts together, because they’re too tired and because they’ve gotten out of the habit of sticking to a schedule.

You don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn every morning, however, in order to keep things under control. Instead, you can let your child sleep later, and go to bed later than they would normally – just make sure that the time you choose stays consistent within about a half-hour.

Letting the rules slide.

Summer seems to bring out the carefree in all of us, myself included.

But don’t confuse carefree with lax. Just because it’s break doesn’t mean you can let your kids do whatever they want – they still need to be disciplined, even when it’s a pain in the neck.

If your kid starts having a temper tantrum while waiting on line for the aquarium, or pitches a hissy fit while waiting to buy snacks at the store, don’t resort to bribes and other behavior that will only make things worse later.

Stick to your guns – even if you have to get out of the line you’ve been waiting in line for the last half-hour – and do what needs to be done.

You don’t have to be a party-pooper about it, of course.

There’s nothing wrong about bending the rules occasionally, as long as you’ve it’s a carefully thought out decision, rather than a reaction to being publically embarrassed.

Take ten minutes to think about what rules you don’t mind sliding on, and those that are important to you and your family’s sanity, safety, and well being. If you want, you can put up a “summer rules” list, so your kids will know about the changes.

If you want to be really fancy, you can make a summer contract with them (I’ll write a post about that later), but even a three minute discussion is enough to let the kids know what to expect – and what not to expect.

You don’t have to please everyone, all the time.

Sometimes parents get this idea that it’s their job to make sure everybody’s happy.

Bad idea.

Pretty much impossible.

It’s your job to make sure everyone is fed, has clean clothing and a place to stay. It’s also your job to make sure that they come out of your house with the values and beliefs that are important to you.

But happy? All the time?

Not happenin’.

Follow these suggestions, and you just might feel a twinge of regret at sending the kids back to school when the summer ends.

Did you know that your kids will forget up to 2 months of what they’ve learned over the summer?

You’ve worked hard to get your child to where they are.

But did you know that a few weeks during the summer can undermine all of your efforts?

Read here to find out what you can do to prevent that.

 

 

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Should You Let Your Child Repeat a Grade?

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It’s almost the end of the school year, and you’re faced with a dilemma. should you retain a child

Your child didn’t do so great this year – in fact, his grades put him towards the lower end of the class. And that was with after-school tutors and in class help.

But somehow you and he made it through the end of the year. In fact, when you look back at the year you can see that your child even made a bit of progress.

(Okay, not enough – but you can see the difference).

You’re happy the year is finally over and you’re hoping that next year will be better somehow. Maybe he’ll have a growth spurt, and finally “get it” like the neighbor’s kid did. Or maybe the teacher will be less demanding.

So things are actually looking pretty good…until you get that call from the teacher. The one asking you if would think about letting said progeny repeat the year again.

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3 Hands on Learning Games that Teach Your Child How to Follow Directions

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It’s frustrating dealing with a child who can’t follow directions. how to teach your child to listen

You know what that looks like: you tell your 8 year old to take out the garbage, get into pajamas, and feed the dog, thinking it should take about twenty minutes until liftoff.

A half hour later, you see your son standing in the kitchen in his underwear giving the dog a good back scratch.

You’d be annoyed if you could – but you know he’s not misbehaving intentionally. But this isn’t the first time he’s gotten directions mixed up, sometimes with permanent consequences.

You’ve tried numerous workbooks for grade-schoolers that claim to teach your child to follow directions, but they didn’t help at all.

Is there anything you can do, or is your child doomed to be one of the hopelessly confused?

Why having trouble following directions is just the beginning.

Having trouble following directions is just the tip of the iceberg for most kids.

That’s because being able to follow directions means being proficient at perceiving and remembering the order of things, otherwise known as sequencing. Tying shoes, reciting the alphabet in order, understanding the difference between “before” and “after” or “yesterday” and “tomorrow,” all require good sequencing skills.

Some kinds of information are meant to be processed as one whole. Remembering what your great-aunt Matilda looks like is one example. Other kinds of information are purely sequential, such as phone numbers, the order of the months of the year, or keeping track of a story plot.

These are meant to be taken in one at a time, bit by bit, in order to be understood and remembered. A child who has trouble with sequencing (and their parents) will find themselves stymied in numerous areas – despite average (or better) intelligence.

Fortunately, sequencing is a skill that can be learned. Here are some things you can do to help the child who has sequencing issues:  [click to continue…]

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Fun Flower-Themed Activities To Do With Your 4-8 Year Old

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hands on learningIt sounds like a cliché, but there’s something about spring that brings my kids to life.

As soon as warm weather makes an appearance, shirts and pants become too short, shoes miraculously start wearing out, and a mischievous sparkle shines in their eyes.

My 8 year old wanders back into the house after what should have been a ten minute trip to the grocery store, with mysterious smudges of dirt on his forehead, and a story to tell.

I spend my afternoons trying to resist the charms of four little ones eager to stay outside until the last possible minute. It’s amazing how many excuses for staying at the park a rosy-cheeked four year old (supported of course by his 5, 6, and 8 year old siblings) can think of when push comes to shove!

I can’t say I blame them – I’m not too anxious to go inside either.

So I’ve been taking advantage of the beautiful weather and my kids’ newfound curiosity, by starting a new theme based on spring. Normally I afterschool for about two hours in the afternoons, but for those sessions we usually spend our time doing table work. There’s plenty of hands on learning of course, but it’s still relatively sedate.

Instead, we’ve flipped the order of things: now, we go out on long adventures “to see what we can see.” We wander around the city, letting our eyes lead the way. Lately, the kids have been interested in all things green- especially flowers and leaves. So I’ve taken their natural interests, and built a curriculum around flowers and leaves.

Here are some of the things we have done: [click to continue…]

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The Secret to Success: Teach Your Child to Celebrate Failure

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Most of us hate failing. The Secret to Success: Teach Your Child to Celebrate Failure

In fact, some people are so fearful of failure that they’ll do anything to avoid it – even if it means sacrificing their careers, families, or worse.

Kids aren’t any different. In fact, for kids, especially kids with learning disabilities, its worse. There are plenty of opportunities for failure in school, whether it’s giving the wrong answer when called on in class, messing up a homework assignment, or bombing a big test.

For these kids – and plenty of grownups – failure means you’re a loser, a screw-up, and a hopeless imbecile. You’ll be lucky if you can get a job working as a NYC street sweeper.

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Previous Posts
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How to Cut Your Child's Disruptive Behavior In Half
How to Turbo Charge Your Child's Learning Skills and Actually Smile When They Bring That Test Home
How to Jump Start Your Child's Language Skills and Transform the Way They Communicate

Who am I?

Hi! I’m a parent of 8 children, 3 of whom have learning disabilities. I have over 20 years experience working with kids and adults of all ages. My specialty is disabilities on the autistic spectrum, and language delays.

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