Until then, learning what not to say to your teenager can make this time period a little more bearable:
1) Don’t take what your teenager says to you at face value. Teenagers are really 2- year olds in disguise. Do you remember how your 2- year old would automatically answer “no,” even when you knew he really wanted to say yes? That was his way of reveling in the ability to say no: a recognition of his new ability to choose. All of the negativity your toddler showed was necessary in order for him to develop his own sense of self.
Your teenager is undergoing a similar process. He now realizes that he can judge, decide, choose, and evaluate. He is heady with his own sense of power. So heady, in fact, that he might say things he doesn’t really mean. Sometimes this is just to get on your nerves, but other times he is afraid, confused, or embarrassed to say outright what he wants to say.
2) Don’t belittle your teenager’s feelings or opinions. How many times have you said to your teenager, “That’s really ugly, ” or “that’s a real winner of an idea,” or better yet, “That’s really stupid.” These are put-downs, and no self-respecting person, including a teenager, will react well to anyone who speaks this way to them.
Yet for some reason parents forget their teenagers are not only not immune to this kind of speech, but are even more vulnerable than adults. They are fighting to prove they are smart, good-looking, popular people, and your words will only make them fight harder.
3) Don’t tell your teenager you absolutely forbid them from being friends with … This is a controversial one for some parents, because legitimately there are times when your teenager’s friends might be negative, perhaps even dangerous influences. You might feel you would be irresponsible if you didn’t say anything about the relationship.
However, you need to realize that you will probably end up speaking very negatively about the other party. This will only serve to push your child closer to her friend. After all, you are on the outside.
The friend in question is a bit of an underdog, and becomes more so each time you criticize her. Your child will be forced to defend her friend, because she perceives herself as an underdog also.This only deepens her sense of identification and her need to stick up for her friend, pushing them closer together.
Your teenager is also old enough and smart enough to see her friend despite your disapproval. A better approach would be to say, “sometimes you don’t seem so sure about that friendship,” and leave it to your teenager to pick up the thread.
4) Don’t give your teenager an ultimatum. Ultimatums are usually your response to what you feel is an intolerable behavior or situation. The problem is that usually you won’t be able to stick to them. Your child might also call your bluff, and then you’ll be left with an empty hand.
Instead, tell your child that his behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and that it had better not occur again. If he pushes you, and asks what you’ll do if he does it again, you can answer, “Do I need to tell you what will happen if you do that again? I’ve already said that I don’t want it to happen again, and I expect that it won’t. In our home this is completely unacceptable.”
Originally posted 2010-09-08 01:02:43.